


swear to never let you down (and it's been eating me alive)

by fromTV (hamburr)



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Aftercare, Background Relationships, Blood Drinking, Canon Temporary Character Death, Established Relationship, Explicit Consent, Gore, Grand Gestures, M/M, No Sex, Queerplatonic Relationships, Surgery, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-23
Updated: 2018-10-23
Packaged: 2019-08-06 04:11:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16381142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr/pseuds/fromTV
Summary: The room smells faintly of antiseptic and the implacable scent of magic; the only sounds are the soft whirring of machinery and the breathing of Taako and Barry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: i did absolutely no medical research before writing this so if i'm wrong about anything, it's elven anatomy and i'm right, actually

The room smells faintly of antiseptic and the implacable scent of magic; the only sounds are the faint whirring of machinery and the breathing of Taako and Barry.

“Okay, I’m going through this one more time for consent, alright, Taako?”

Taako nods. He is lying on the operating table, stark naked and chilly, propped up on one elbow to look at Barry, who clears his throat and consults a sheet of paper. He can feel his heart thumping, and takes a deep breath to try and calm it to its resting beats per minute. No need to agitate the process.

“So, uh, as you know, well, this procedure will be fatal. Obviously that means something different for us than most people, and we’re nearly to the end of the cycle, but — still bears repeating. You will be conscious, but we will utilize magical painkillers to mitigate the pain so you can, y’know, actually remain that way. It’s gonna be kinda gross. You’re gonna need to try to breathe regularly and not aggravate your circulatory and respiratory system any more than it’s already going to be. And, uh, there should be no necromantic side effects, despite the gruesome nature of the procedure, but if there are I take full responsibility and will handle it. I’m only saying that ‘cause I have to, but I promise, Taako, that’s not gonna happen.”

“This is awfully legal for the fact that I don’t have anyone who could sue you about it.”

“I’m not doing it for the law, I’m doing it so if anyone else thinks we’re fucking nuts we have evidence that we made the choice to do this with informed consent.”

“Oh, that makes more sense. Want me to sign?”

“Might as well,” Barry says, and produces a pen. Taako scribbles his name at the bottom of the page and then lays back down. He looks up at Barry and takes a deep, slow breath. Barry gives him a smile that holds only a trace of nerves, and takes Taako’s hand for a moment, squeezes it, then lets go.

“Ready to get started?”

“Hell yeah.”

Barry clasps his hands together and closes his eyes, and a few moments later Taako feels as though he is hardly touching the table beneath him.

“You won’t feel much pain; it will feel mostly like pressure. It is possible that towards the end of the procedure you will feel some pain, mainly due to the fact that it would be hard to suppress all the pain of something like that while keeping you conscious.”

Taako nods, enjoying the sort of floaty feeling he’s gotten from Barry’s magic. He must have a silly look on his face, because Barry smiles at him before turning away. There is the sound of a drawer opening, and the clicking of metal on metal.

“Alright, Taako, this is your last chance to back out. Once we start, there will be no way to stop.”

“I’m ready,” says Taako. “I want this.”

Barry’s smile is so soft, so warm. “Good,” he says. “Me too. Let’s do this thing.”

Barry takes an alcohol swab and cleans Taako’s chest, his abdomen, a straight line of the cool shock of sensation. He disposes of it when he’s done, and then with only the slightest pause, he takes up one of the metal tools.

“Here we go, Taako,” he says. “Just keep breathing.”

He wants to close his eyes and yet he can’t look away as Barry makes the incision, brilliant red opening against his skin. His breath catches involuntarily, and Barry goes _ssh, ssh, Taako, it’s okay_ , and it is, so he calms. Barry was right; it doesn’t hurt, but he can feel everything that Barry does, the sensation of his skin splitting beneath the knife, the cold tools, Barry’s firm but gentle touch.

“You’re doing so good, Taako,” Barry murmurs. He sets his tools down and gets up on the table, in a thoroughly unmedical move, kneeling over Taako, carefully straddling him. Taako stays perfectly still as Barry gets situated above him, and as Barry’s surgical air returns.

“This next part is probably gonna feel real fucked up. Just breathe through it.”

Taako watches, carefully counting _in, two, three, four, out, two, three, four_ , as Barry reaches into Taako’s chest.

If he and Barry hadn’t pored over medical texts together, if he hadn’t seen his friends die more times than he would like to count, if he wasn’t intimately familiar with how dying feels, he wouldn’t have been able to keep himself as composed as he does as he feels and _watches_ Barry’s hands, expert as any cleric, precise as any surgeon, organizing his arteries and veins, watching his lungs move as he counts.

“I’m going to count to three, and then I’m going to do it. You might feel some pain at this. It’s definitely going to feel weird either way. Okay. One, two, three —“

And after he finishes the vowel at the end of _three_ , Barry takes Taako’s heart in his hands and pulls it, still beating, still _attached_ , out of his chest.

And it does hurt, it feels wrong and horrible and weird, but not as much as he has thought it might and Taako clenches his fists and keeps his lungs in rhythm, a rhythm he could watch if he just looked down, but he can’t take his eyes off Barry.

Barry, who holds Taako’s literal life in his reddened hands, cradling his heart as it pumps blood through his arteries, but Barry doesn’t even watch his heart. He looks over it, at Taako, his gaze heavy and heated.

And then he smiles, grim and anticipatory, and leans forward, and bites down on the left ventricle.

Taako _screams_ as his heart bursts, as blood gushes out and into Barry’s mouth, drips down his chin, his hands, his chest, and as the world dims around him, the last thing he sees is Barry’s face, and knows with complete certainty that he trusts and loves his man with every part of his existence.


	2. Chapter 2

When he is knit back together, what is mere moments later for himself but a matter of weeks for the others, he is nearly immediately bowled over by Lup.

“You fucking — _idiots_ — you fucking fucker — you call me a dramatic asshole and you pull this shit?”

Taako laughs into her shoulder and hugs her tight. “Yeah, I know —“

“If you felt left out of the lich thing you could have just _said_ —“

“Oh my god, Lup, it wasn’t even necromancy or anything —“

“Yeah, just gross Gothic high Romantic shit, god, not even _I_ let Barry eat my motherfucking _heart_ , that’s gross as hell!”

Barry plops down on the ground beside them, strokes a hand through Taako’s hair, and moments later, they are joined by the rest of the crew (excluding Davenport, who is driving).

“I’m not gonna justify it to you,” says Taako. “It was just — yeah.”

The consummation of a relationship that doesn’t fit into words. A dark, wild fantasy only put into words, much less action, from the immense depths of trust between them and the unique circumstances involving their mortality.

“Now that Taako’s got all his weird kinks worked out, maybe we can move on with our lives,” Magnus teases, and Taako cranes his head around to stick his tongue out at him.

“Man, you’d think even one of these weirdos would find it at least metal as hell that you ate my fucking heart for our fiftieth anniversary,” Taako says, turning back to Barry, who laughs.

“No taste, this crew,” he says.

“Gross!” Lup shrieks, as they all realize the double entendre at the same time. Taako and Barry collapse into a giggle fit.

When everyone’s finally moved on to do whatever they need to do to get ready for the new cycle, Barry and Taako remain on the deck, tucked close together.

“How do you feel?” Barry asks him softly.

“Like we have — whatever it is we are — like we have our love written in all of reality, written in blood. I feel like — you mean more to me than I could ever say, Barry, and I wouldn’t have wanted this any other way.” Taako pauses, and then holds Barry tighter. "How are you feeling? God, how did everyone else even react?"

Barry laughs. “They were all pretty much like, what the fuck and why the fuck? But they let it be. It was weird without you, after. I’m glad you’re back. I think we scared Lup a little bit, but to be fair, she and I did something far riskier, which I pointed out to her, and we knew for certain you’d be coming back this cycle, so it was fine. She did tell me not to do that again, but I don’t think we’re planning on it, yeah?”

“Probably not,” Taako says, with a chuckle. He presses a kiss to Barry’s temple. “But how are you, really?”

“I think… probably pretty similarly to you.” He pauses. “That was kind of fucking awesome, wasn’t it?”

Taako can’t help but laugh. “It kind of seriously fucking was!”

“I, uh. I guess I just want to say, thank you. For trusting me like that. I mean, it was just — unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.”

“Me too,” Taako says quietly.

“Did it hurt?”

“Fuck, yes,” Taako says, “god it did, but — it felt right. Like, giving myself to you. Is that weird?”

“Taako, if I thought that was weird, then what the fuck were we even doing?”

“Fair point. You did do all that to me. I feel like I keep asking, but really, Barry, how are you doing?”

“I’m good. I’m better now that you’re back. It’s — good to see you alive again. Like, I knew I would, but --” He pushes his face against Taako’s shirt, over his living, intact heartbeat. When he speaks again, his voice is muffled by fabric. “I was absolutely very into the whole thing, and I’m not going to deny it -- that moment, when I bit down — I think it changed my whole goddamn life, it was fucking beyond anything I could ever imagine, I can’t even describe to you what it was like, and I bet it was that way from your end too.”

“Did you actually eat it?”

Barry laughs. “No! No, just — the blood that was in my mouth, but not the whole thing, holy shit that would have been a lot. And, uh, I won’t lie, once you were — gone, and my adrenaline chilled out and I had to clean everything up, that wasn’t the best time I’ve ever had.”

“Oh, fuck. Shit, I’m sorry —”

“Don’t apologize, I knew that was a risk! It was okay. I’m okay. I’m just really glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” Taako says.

There is a long silence, then, of the two of them, their backs against the wall, the only sounds the faint whirr of machinery and the sound of their breathing, their heartbeats, until Taako finally speaks again.

“Do you want to go to bed? I think we could both use some rest.”

Barry nods, and gets to his feet, then holds out a hand to help Taako up. When they go inside, they find the rest of the crew finishing construction on a blanket fort. Magnus looks up at them.

“Wanna join? No pressure, of course, I get it if you need some alone time.”

Barry and Taako exchange a look, and then wordlessly, in the same heartbeat, launch themselves into the heart of the cuddle pile, and their family catches them and holds them, close and warm, alive and laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again im 7thbird on tumblr. hmu but dont be weird

**Author's Note:**

> ....and then they spend the ENTIRE NEXT YEAR engaging in intense aftercare because holy shit
> 
> i can be found on tumblr @7thbird


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